Have you ever wondered whether you can read a person by their handshake?
1) The Linguini Handshake
2) The "Pulverizer" Handshake
3) The "Just Right" Handshake
Monday, April 14, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Tad Safran- A Male Chauvinist Swine
This is in response to Tad Safran's article that has been incensing women on both sides of the Atlantic and which has put paid to his chances to his getting to first base with any self-respecting woman.
Before I cite my two cents on the subject, I would like to say that it is every human's responsibility to look after their health and look groomed. It is not only a woman's prerogative to look good. And moreover, men should not objectify women.
In pre-modern times where women had to depend on men for economic security, women had a vested interest to groom themselves continuously and men took "looking unattractive" to the heights. But now the equation has changed. Women have crawled out of that "dependent rut" that men like to keep us in and more women are looking at financial security as a goal that is to obtained by self.
If we are going to be taking pot shots at women for every perceived flaw, let's look at men with their very real flaws. In other words, what's good for the goose is also good for the gander. Why should only women bear the crosses of so much baggage on looking good? Let men also have neuroses on being skinny, having a clear skin, having no wrinkles, having a flat tummy, having chiselled features, having no dark circles, having the perfect nose, etc and let men also tweeze, pluck, wax, tuck, lift, moisturize, conceal, gloss, coat, powder, botox any unsightly body part. Why should only women be subjected to this?
1) Why is it that for every 1 attractive woman, I see a ten thousand ugly men? This is the ratio I have encountered. 1: 10000. Maybe there is a reason why lesbianism is growing.
2) One is more likely to find men in unkempt, wrinkled clothes or who stumbled across looking scruffy as fashionable not because of fashion but out of sheer laziness.
3) Why do men think that their body odor is their distinctive perfume? There have been times where in crowded trains or buses where you unfortunately cannot choose your travelling companions, I have choked for breath. This is because men are more likely to wear the same clothes they wore the previous day and the odor is distinctly unpleasant.
4) Beer guts are not cute and adorable. Why is it I see more "pregnant-looking" men than women?
5) And no, white socks went out with Michael Jackson.
Before I cite my two cents on the subject, I would like to say that it is every human's responsibility to look after their health and look groomed. It is not only a woman's prerogative to look good. And moreover, men should not objectify women.
In pre-modern times where women had to depend on men for economic security, women had a vested interest to groom themselves continuously and men took "looking unattractive" to the heights. But now the equation has changed. Women have crawled out of that "dependent rut" that men like to keep us in and more women are looking at financial security as a goal that is to obtained by self.
If we are going to be taking pot shots at women for every perceived flaw, let's look at men with their very real flaws. In other words, what's good for the goose is also good for the gander. Why should only women bear the crosses of so much baggage on looking good? Let men also have neuroses on being skinny, having a clear skin, having no wrinkles, having a flat tummy, having chiselled features, having no dark circles, having the perfect nose, etc and let men also tweeze, pluck, wax, tuck, lift, moisturize, conceal, gloss, coat, powder, botox any unsightly body part. Why should only women be subjected to this?
1) Why is it that for every 1 attractive woman, I see a ten thousand ugly men? This is the ratio I have encountered. 1: 10000. Maybe there is a reason why lesbianism is growing.
2) One is more likely to find men in unkempt, wrinkled clothes or who stumbled across looking scruffy as fashionable not because of fashion but out of sheer laziness.
3) Why do men think that their body odor is their distinctive perfume? There have been times where in crowded trains or buses where you unfortunately cannot choose your travelling companions, I have choked for breath. This is because men are more likely to wear the same clothes they wore the previous day and the odor is distinctly unpleasant.
4) Beer guts are not cute and adorable. Why is it I see more "pregnant-looking" men than women?
5) And no, white socks went out with Michael Jackson.
Health fads that will kill us
How many times do we have conflicting "solid scientific evidence" and then after some time, "evidence to the contrary"? The number of times that scientists make sweeping statements and retract them and reissue them is stupendous. Here are some of those.
1) A normal human being requires eight glasses of water a day.
2) Vitamin supplements improve a hundred million things.
3) A glass of wine prevents heart disease.
4) Dark chocolate is good for you.
5) Three cups of tea prevents strokes.
1) A normal human being requires eight glasses of water a day.
2) Vitamin supplements improve a hundred million things.
3) A glass of wine prevents heart disease.
4) Dark chocolate is good for you.
5) Three cups of tea prevents strokes.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Politically correct
Have you wondered who coined the soft-cushions for the hard knocks of life? Yes, I am talking about politically correct terms such as "vertically challenged" for "short" or "melanin challenged" for "white". Here are some I made up.
1) Stupid Neurally limited
2) Dull Creatively impaired
3) Dead Life-deprived
4) Boring Fun-neutered
5) Criminal Morally challenged
6) Poor Cash impaired
7) Fat Horizontally challenged
8) Thin Adipose-deficient
9) Divorced Maritally martial
1) Stupid Neurally limited
2) Dull Creatively impaired
3) Dead Life-deprived
4) Boring Fun-neutered
5) Criminal Morally challenged
6) Poor Cash impaired
7) Fat Horizontally challenged
8) Thin Adipose-deficient
9) Divorced Maritally martial
Smile Training for the Olympics
If you want to be a steward or usher at the Beijing Olympics, you need to learn how to stand, walk and even smile.
Here, a bunch of Chinese flash some of their pearly-whites. Maybe they should take some cues from Miss.America pageants instead.
Awww!!! How cute!!!
This makes one go all warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe, we need more bunnies to fight weapons of mass destruction...
Modern Metromen are scared of Bossy Women!
Here is something I couldn't help chuckling about.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/03/26/nsexes126.xml
And the part where a third of men are scared of bossy women, although hard to stomach, is hilarious.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/03/26/nsexes126.xml
And the part where a third of men are scared of bossy women, although hard to stomach, is hilarious.
On a serious note...
When will the capitalist governments of the world stop kowtowing to China and recognize that there are more atrocious human right violations committed by China day by day?
Being an accomplice in human bloodshed also stains our hands.
Tibet deserves to be heard and not silenced.
Being an accomplice in human bloodshed also stains our hands.
Tibet deserves to be heard and not silenced.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Gubernatorial grizzlies
Has the dust settled down yet? Or are we going to be glutted with more gubernatorial gory tales of sex and lust? Honestly, we can ditch the Jackie Collins' and read the newspapers instead.
The recent tales of gubernatorial excesses have been bombarding us. Seriously real life is more entertaining than fiction. After Clintonesque lies named after Clinton who gave a new dimension to lying, we now have Spitzerisque hypocrisy.
The recent tales of gubernatorial excesses have been bombarding us. Seriously real life is more entertaining than fiction. After Clintonesque lies named after Clinton who gave a new dimension to lying, we now have Spitzerisque hypocrisy.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Job Descriptions Part II
Here are some real examples from Job descriptions. Needless to say, wouldn't dream of touching these with a barge pole. Mail me or comment on any other unusual job descriptions u come across.
1) "Mild personality and obedient attitude" - I didn't know we had employers getting into the S&M mode.
2) "Female only. Apply with photo" - Hello! This is the 21st century and let's get sexism (of any kind) out of the way. And besides, this sounds pretty dubious. Is this by a chance a job description for work in Spitzer's office?
1) "Mild personality and obedient attitude" - I didn't know we had employers getting into the S&M mode.
2) "Female only. Apply with photo" - Hello! This is the 21st century and let's get sexism (of any kind) out of the way. And besides, this sounds pretty dubious. Is this by a chance a job description for work in Spitzer's office?
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Back to the Stone Age!
What is it with women and gullibility?
In the quest for the Holy Grail of Beauty, women get suckered into believing the latest fads and frivolities.
Whenever I visit any hotel site these days, there is usually a picture of a woman with a bare back covered with a line of gray stones and some frangipani flowers scattered around her strategically. And that is to convey a luxurious spa experience.
Now I have never resorted to putting stones on myself and lying around to feel beautiful. Or reduce stress. Or bury myself. Or whatever else, it claims to do.
Before anyone gets to putting these on my back, I would like a few questions answered
1) What is the origin of these stones? Gardens, graveyards, what?
2) Do you clean up the stones after each customer? Or is there a risk of contracting psoriasis, eczema and other exotic skin ailments?
3) Can I sell you the stones?
Monday, March 17, 2008
Cartney and Heathie's Blues
Paul Mccartney must have sung these Beatles songs during his brief and tumultuous marriage.
Before Marriage "Ain't She sweet?"
"Honey pie"
During Marriage "Besame Mucho"
"Drive my car"
Break-up "Give Peace a chance"
During Divorce "It's all too much"
"I'm a Loser"
After Divorce "Can't buy me love!!"
"Free as a bird"
"Mailman, Bring me no more blues"
"Twist and shout"
Here's a tale on the two troubled souls set to the tune of a popular song.
"OB LI BI! OB LI BLAH!"
Now! Cartney has a castle in the country side
Heathie is grazing some sheep in the meadow
Cartney says to Heathie-girl i like your rustic side
And Heathie says this as she takes him near a cow.
Oblibi obliblah life goes on grass
Lala how the life goes on
Oblibi obliblah life goes on grass
Lala how the life goes on.
Cartney takes a Porsche to the jewellers store
Buys a hundred carat diamond ring
Struggling back to Heathie waiting at the door
And as he gives it to her she begins to sing.
"Oh Cartney, What will I do with one measly ring?
You better buy me the whole damned store!"
In a couple of years they have built
A home sweet home
With one little kid Of Cartney and Heathie Jones.
It's hard to keep up with the Joneses
As they move from the country to London city.
Cartney likes the city nights
While Heathie likes the shiny lights
Heathie wants more n' more money
And Cartney says "It's no more funny"
And if you want some fun-take oblibi obliblah
Oblibi obliblah life goes on grass
Lala how the life goes on
Oblibi obliblah life goes on grass
Lala how the life goes on.
Cartney wants some more action in the sack
Heathie wants to fall off the married track
Together, both fight and beat each other up
Lala how the life goes on.
Heathie wants to take him to the cleaner
Cartney wants to head for pastures greener
And if you want some fun-take oblibi obliblah
Oblibi obliblah life goes on grass
Lala how the life goes on
Oblibi obliblah life goes on grass
Lala how the life goes on.
Cartney hires some lethal, legal ducks
Putting paid to Heathie's billion bucks
Finally the agony ended
Both sides agreed that
Oblibi obliblah life goes on cash
Lala how the life goes on
Oblibi obliblah life goes on cash
Lala how the life goes on.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Wow!! Doesn't that give your jaw muscles a work-out? I saw "Mary Poppins" on Broadway some time back and this got stuck in my head, popping up at very infortunate times. Picture a scenario where you have to be completely serious... Like being in an elevator with a bunch of strangers and it is so silent and all of you are waiting for the 31st floor, fidgeting, adjusting ties, clearing throats, staring fixedly at the floor or the ceiling.
And you know the Joker inside you wants to break free, Wants to shock all these people out of their dreary doldrums. And inside your head, a small brain-cell chorus pipes up in a tinny voice "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" until it grows into momentum gathering up other support along the way until it sounds up in a glorious Big-Band overture.
The tension builds...The lady next to you bites her lip...Someone stifles a sneeze embarassedly...A hand tenses on its brief case...Do you go for it? Do you let your vocal cords rip and give these people the scare of their lives? Do you? Do you?
And you know the Joker inside you wants to break free, Wants to shock all these people out of their dreary doldrums. And inside your head, a small brain-cell chorus pipes up in a tinny voice "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" until it grows into momentum gathering up other support along the way until it sounds up in a glorious Big-Band overture.
The tension builds...The lady next to you bites her lip...Someone stifles a sneeze embarassedly...A hand tenses on its brief case...Do you go for it? Do you let your vocal cords rip and give these people the scare of their lives? Do you? Do you?
Lure of Chinese food
What is it with Chinese food and instant Nirvana? Is it all those illegal additives they put in it or is it a staggeringly high amount of sodium? What could be the reason for cravings of Chinese food? I still remember the outraged reaction of an Italian friend, when I dared to suggest chinese food. It was taken to be an affront on the epicurean Italian palate...
But elsewhere, especially in United States- the junk food mecca of the world-, Chinese food is deeply appreciated. Which actually doesn't say much for Chinese food but still a craving is a craving
But elsewhere, especially in United States- the junk food mecca of the world-, Chinese food is deeply appreciated. Which actually doesn't say much for Chinese food but still a craving is a craving
Inner Beauty
What the heck is "inner beauty"? It sounds like some cosmetic term like Botox or Maxillofacial procedure or some such thing.
A much bandied-about term since the advent of beauty competitions, the very idea is laughable. Beauty pageants are meant to judge your peripheral pound of flesh, literally speaking but this elusive concept of "inner beauty" is considered de rigueur at the moment.
I am rather disappointed that the world chooses to be sexist even in this relatively New-Ageian aspect as well. Have you ever heard the term "inner beauty" being applied to a man? Imagine a man saying, "Yes I have a hairy chest but I have inner beauty!" Lol!! By denying (or attributing to) the poor man his inner beauty, we have condemned him to fate worse than hell...
Inner beauty sounds like something cooked up by some conniving chauvinists who continue to propagate the myth that women and beauty are like synonyms. To be a woman, either you have to have outer beauty or inner beauty. But a man can still be ugly and earn money... And to add injury to insult, he will probably be called "rugged" or "craggy". Like the female equivalent "homely" for "plain ugly".
However with regard to women, this term is doled out in spades without any compunction... I suspect that inner beauty is a consolation prize for those unfortunate souls who don't have outer beauty. And then again, even if you are exteriorly exquisite, you should insist that you have inner beauty...just to be politically correct and to be accepted in society.
What a laugh!
A much bandied-about term since the advent of beauty competitions, the very idea is laughable. Beauty pageants are meant to judge your peripheral pound of flesh, literally speaking but this elusive concept of "inner beauty" is considered de rigueur at the moment.
I am rather disappointed that the world chooses to be sexist even in this relatively New-Ageian aspect as well. Have you ever heard the term "inner beauty" being applied to a man? Imagine a man saying, "Yes I have a hairy chest but I have inner beauty!" Lol!! By denying (or attributing to) the poor man his inner beauty, we have condemned him to fate worse than hell...
Inner beauty sounds like something cooked up by some conniving chauvinists who continue to propagate the myth that women and beauty are like synonyms. To be a woman, either you have to have outer beauty or inner beauty. But a man can still be ugly and earn money... And to add injury to insult, he will probably be called "rugged" or "craggy". Like the female equivalent "homely" for "plain ugly".
However with regard to women, this term is doled out in spades without any compunction... I suspect that inner beauty is a consolation prize for those unfortunate souls who don't have outer beauty. And then again, even if you are exteriorly exquisite, you should insist that you have inner beauty...just to be politically correct and to be accepted in society.
What a laugh!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Ten songs that I love to hate!
These are songs that make you want to curl up and die. More often than not, these songs will be hummed invariably by your classmates or coworkers and will be stuck in your brain like a viral strain, until you break...
10)Karma Chameleon- Boy (Girl) George
The Eighties introduced us to the punk look with unmentionable garishly clashing clothes and equally matching hairstyles. Thank goodness the eighties are over!
9) Can I touch you there?- Michael Bolton
What kind of a romantic song is that? If a guy sings that to anyone, he will probably be counting bars for a long, long time. Pervert!
8) Barbie girl- Aqua
A purely cotton-candy song with nasally sounded lyrics and girly giggles.
7)Thong song- Sisqo
Imagine Sisqo and Aqua teaming up for a duet of Barbie girl and Thong song mixed. Lol!!!!
6) Macarena
Need I say more?
5) Hello- Lionel Richie
Nice song and all that! But the sight of somebody giving crank calls and heavy breathing is enough to make one scream STALKERRRRR!!
4) I'll always do anything for you (but I won't do that)- Meatloaf
Won't do what? Please, please tell us before it drives me nuts...
3) Like a virgin- Madonna
Yeah and I am Mother Teresa!!! Get over it. Actually this was one of her better songs. Remember the kimono-style kitschy number!! Shudder!! I swear the world keeps Madonna hanging around because we are just curious to see what she comes up with.
2) Barney's song
Barney, Teletubbies- why do they have to make songs for kids so obnoxious?
1) My heart will go on- Celine Dion
This has to be the A-1 most awfully bad ditty of all time. It's just because Celine thinks she is the Edith Piaf of the Twenty First century with all those grandiose gestures and with absolutely no soul in the damned song. Almost vying for this spot is Celine's equally bad rendition of "I drove all night" where she dehumanized the song while trying to make the song a showcase of her voice. Please, no more... At least sing your original bad versions. Don't render classics soulless...
10)Karma Chameleon- Boy (Girl) George
The Eighties introduced us to the punk look with unmentionable garishly clashing clothes and equally matching hairstyles. Thank goodness the eighties are over!
9) Can I touch you there?- Michael Bolton
What kind of a romantic song is that? If a guy sings that to anyone, he will probably be counting bars for a long, long time. Pervert!
8) Barbie girl- Aqua
A purely cotton-candy song with nasally sounded lyrics and girly giggles.
7)Thong song- Sisqo
Imagine Sisqo and Aqua teaming up for a duet of Barbie girl and Thong song mixed. Lol!!!!
6) Macarena
Need I say more?
5) Hello- Lionel Richie
Nice song and all that! But the sight of somebody giving crank calls and heavy breathing is enough to make one scream STALKERRRRR!!
4) I'll always do anything for you (but I won't do that)- Meatloaf
Won't do what? Please, please tell us before it drives me nuts...
3) Like a virgin- Madonna
Yeah and I am Mother Teresa!!! Get over it. Actually this was one of her better songs. Remember the kimono-style kitschy number!! Shudder!! I swear the world keeps Madonna hanging around because we are just curious to see what she comes up with.
2) Barney's song
Barney, Teletubbies- why do they have to make songs for kids so obnoxious?
1) My heart will go on- Celine Dion
This has to be the A-1 most awfully bad ditty of all time. It's just because Celine thinks she is the Edith Piaf of the Twenty First century with all those grandiose gestures and with absolutely no soul in the damned song. Almost vying for this spot is Celine's equally bad rendition of "I drove all night" where she dehumanized the song while trying to make the song a showcase of her voice. Please, no more... At least sing your original bad versions. Don't render classics soulless...
Job Descriptions
Have you ever read job descriptions and gone like "whoaa!! Man!! What do they mean by this?"
For example, you sure well know what a company means when they want you to be "hardworking". It means that "we will work you to the bone".
Here is my Devil's Dictionary for job descriptions and probably terms that you should be wary of.
1) Freshers welcome- "Be thankful that you get a job and don't expect to get paid"
2) Willing to work in shifts- "Graveyard shift for you"
3) Able to handle additional responsibilities- "Can you work two jobs instead of one?"
4) Pleasing personality- "Can you kiss ass?"
5) Good communication skills- "Are you a yes guy/gal?"
6) Exciting opportunity- "Noone else wants it. That's why we advertised."
7) Attractive incentives- "And yes, we provide toilets at the office"
For example, you sure well know what a company means when they want you to be "hardworking". It means that "we will work you to the bone".
Here is my Devil's Dictionary for job descriptions and probably terms that you should be wary of.
1) Freshers welcome- "Be thankful that you get a job and don't expect to get paid"
2) Willing to work in shifts- "Graveyard shift for you"
3) Able to handle additional responsibilities- "Can you work two jobs instead of one?"
4) Pleasing personality- "Can you kiss ass?"
5) Good communication skills- "Are you a yes guy/gal?"
6) Exciting opportunity- "Noone else wants it. That's why we advertised."
7) Attractive incentives- "And yes, we provide toilets at the office"
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
A rant on school
I am sure our poorly conceived school education is one of the main reasons people turn to a life of crime. Have you ever wondered why they call criminals infamous and not famous? It's like famous except that it got imploded.
Coming back to the topic, can you just imagine somebody like ShiftyFingersSlim made to sit still in class? Sitting in a schoolroom with bored teachers is enough to make someone wish for something more adventurous. And when you have a whole field of unpicked purses and other more staid stationery goodies, it is enough to lead one astray. Oh yessirree!! Our school system is to blame.
Have you ever wondered whatever motivates somebody in life to pick up a vocation in teaching? What must be going through their minds at that time?
"Awright, I have to spend the rest of my life talking to runny-nosed kids who will probably treat me as their target for hairballs and other sundries.
Maybe I am not qualified but I sure as hell dont like to scrub floors nor clean dishes. How difficult can this job be? These kids wont even know if i am telling the truth or teaching the right things. Of course there would be a couple of Smart Alecs as always but they can be cut down to size....Muahaha!!"
And so the Saga of the teacher begins.
Have you noticed how children can always tell apart the nice ones from the terrors? It's like they have an inbuilt radar sensor or something.
"Beep!! Beep!! Terror Alert!! Beep!! Head for the nearest hideway."
And it sure must be gratifying for a teacher to become a terror since they would be remembered for eternity and probably be giving their victims cold sweats even when they are past their geriatric prime.
Coming back to the topic, can you just imagine somebody like ShiftyFingersSlim made to sit still in class? Sitting in a schoolroom with bored teachers is enough to make someone wish for something more adventurous. And when you have a whole field of unpicked purses and other more staid stationery goodies, it is enough to lead one astray. Oh yessirree!! Our school system is to blame.
Have you ever wondered whatever motivates somebody in life to pick up a vocation in teaching? What must be going through their minds at that time?
"Awright, I have to spend the rest of my life talking to runny-nosed kids who will probably treat me as their target for hairballs and other sundries.
Maybe I am not qualified but I sure as hell dont like to scrub floors nor clean dishes. How difficult can this job be? These kids wont even know if i am telling the truth or teaching the right things. Of course there would be a couple of Smart Alecs as always but they can be cut down to size....Muahaha!!"
And so the Saga of the teacher begins.
Have you noticed how children can always tell apart the nice ones from the terrors? It's like they have an inbuilt radar sensor or something.
"Beep!! Beep!! Terror Alert!! Beep!! Head for the nearest hideway."
And it sure must be gratifying for a teacher to become a terror since they would be remembered for eternity and probably be giving their victims cold sweats even when they are past their geriatric prime.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Connecting the dots...one squeaky wheel...at a time
Have you ever got the feeling that you are some miniscule, insignificant cog in a mighty machine? If I sneeze, will there be a repercussion? Will at least the wind ripple across the universe? Sometimes, the planet Earth has the temperament of a stolid British squire just plodding through the motions, doing the rotations 365 days a year, going through the seasons and never gets bored.
But maybe one squeaky wheel can get heard amongst all the terrestrial clamor. Maybe one squeaky wheel can uplift humanity. Maybe one squeaky wheel can fight for independence. Maybe one squeaky wheel can make a difference.
Or then again, maybe we can all die laughing...
But maybe one squeaky wheel can get heard amongst all the terrestrial clamor. Maybe one squeaky wheel can uplift humanity. Maybe one squeaky wheel can fight for independence. Maybe one squeaky wheel can make a difference.
Or then again, maybe we can all die laughing...
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